I don't know about you, but I love a good book. I can sometimes read a full novel in a day, depending on how good the book really is and the amount of time I can devote to reading. And I read just about anything. Romance, suspense, thriller, self-help, Christian, anything. Because of the cost of books, I've learned to be creative in getting enough of them to fill my time. There is a store in Kentucky called Half-Price Books where you can buy, sell, and trade books. I have found many books there for $1-$3. It was there that my mom found out about an online website called PaperBackSwap.com. I immediately signed up and started posting and ordering books. (If you've never heard of this and are interested, let me know and I'll fill you in.) And there's always the library. Right after Doug and I got married (before I had a bookshelf overflowing with books) I would go to the library and get 5 books every 1-2 weeks. And I've read and enjoyed all of these previously read books.
But last week I joined a book club and yesterday the first books I ordered came in the mail. I got six brand new books for less than the cost of one at a bookstore! Okay, to be honest, I only got 5 of them yesterday but the 6th is a preorder that was included in the price and is supposed to be shipped this month.
You would have thought it was Christmas if you saw me opening that box. I was very particular, carefully cutting the packaging tape and lifting the lid. Then lifting each book out of the box with care. They were so new, the dust jackets didn't have creases, it was like they were falling off the books.
Oh and the smell! There's not much that compares to the fresh smell of a new book to me (not even new car smell).
And the pages were so crisp, no writing on the cover pages, no broken bindings. Just completely perfect, brand new, straight from the factory books.
Don't get me wrong, I still love my old, previously read books. And some of these may actually end up on PaperBackSwap.com after I finish with them. I'll always have second-hand copies of books, but it is SO nice to get BRAND NEW books every once in a while.
Maybe that's greedy or silly or materialistic. but at least I can admit to my faults :)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Quotes from My Favorite People
***UPDATE***
After I posted, I thought of a couple more that I just have to share. First, when M. was visiting, a big yellow butterfly passed in between us (we were no more than 5 feet away from each other). She told me, "that's Logan's butterfly!". We have a butterfly garden in memory of Logan and we've told her that when she sees a butterfly she knows that Logan is saying hey, so she thinks every butterfly is Logan's. That night she told her mom all about "Logan's butterfly" and later she told her dad "it was yellow and big".
While we were making dinner we were goofing around (she was probably asking me questions and asking "why" after everything I said but I really don't remember) when she says "you want another piece of me?" The funniest part is that she's talking about a literal piece. You know that game where you pretend like you eat a child's fingers, toes or maybe even their nose? Well, when she asked me the question, she's holding out her fingers for me to take a bite! And after every bite comes the question "you want another piece of me?"
And last, M. is potty training right now so of course someone has to go with her when she has to go. She usually asks me to if I'm around. So the other day I take her to the bathroom and she says "I NEED you to go!". Apparently, she doesn't like doing #2 with someone in the room!
M. started her first day at preschool today and T. started his first day at kindergarten. I'm hoping they are having tons of fun and I'm sure school will result in more stories for me to tell.
Original Post:
One of my best friends lives across the street and has three children. A 5-year-old boy T., an almost 3-year-old girl M., and a 9-month-old boy G. They can get on my ever-last nervers sometimes but those kids are some of my favorite people in the world. And last night they stayed with us while their parents went to school orientation (both preschool and kindergarten). Here's just a few moments and quotes from the two oldest.
When M. and I went outside to let Levi go potty we heard police sirens and she says to me "Nana that's a police offiter" She calls me Nana because she had a hard time with words that started with vowels when she first started talking and even though she can say Anna fine now, Nana just stuck. When I told her that she was right, that it was a police officer she said "Police offiters help you".
Later, when Doug got home, he had to edit some video for work. The police officers had been escorting the Dixie Youth World Series winners home to Troy so his video included the police cars and their sirens. As soon as she heard it her ears perked up. She went over and sat beside Doug and watched him work. Then she kept asking, "where are you Doug", Doug told her that he was shooting the video and was behind the camera. She didn't understand so he says "You know how when somebody takes a picture of you, the person with the camera isn't in the picture?". She nods her head and then turns to me and says "Doug Doug says I'm in the picture".
Later, I was filling Levi's water bowl when she asked what I was doing. I said "I'm getting water for the dog". "What dog?" she asked, so I pointed to Levi. Then she says, completely innocently like I have no idea "He's name is Levi".
T. has recently developed a pretty bad fear of storms and while he was at our house he asked me how my phone told me when there was going to be a tornado. Herein lies the problem with not knowing what I child has been told. When I told him my phone didn't tell me, that a radio did, he was adamant that his mom told him that it was my phone. So, I explained to him that it's not on my phone, that it's a radio, that I have at my house, in my car, and at my work. (This is kind of a little white lie because at work I just have a weather program that warns me about severe weather, but sometimes I find it easiest to just simplify things.) Then I took him to our bedroom where this radio sits. I played the alarm sound for him that goes off when there is a storm. Next I asked him if he thought I could hear it in every room, and M. says "I can hear it".
Here's another moment with T. and his fear of storms that happened a few weeks ago. I went over to their house and the wind was blowing pretty good and the garage door was open. T. was standing in the doorway between the house and the garage with tears running down his face. Then he says "why do God and Jesus make the wind?" I told him that there was wind and rain to keep all the plants alive. Then he says, "but plants need sun".
T. has really matured a lot lately and when Levi had an accident he was the first to tell me. Then he asked how to clean it up. So I handed him a paper towel, the nature's miracle (great stuff by the way) and he went to cleaning. Then after dinner he took his plate to the sink and also took M.'s. But he was still very upset when his mom got home because he didn't get to have a sleepover. In the Spring of 08 we invited him over one night and pitched a tent in the backyard and had a sleepover and ever since then, he wants to sleep at our house all the time.
Hope you enjoyed these little moments. If not, I guess you had to be there!
After I posted, I thought of a couple more that I just have to share. First, when M. was visiting, a big yellow butterfly passed in between us (we were no more than 5 feet away from each other). She told me, "that's Logan's butterfly!". We have a butterfly garden in memory of Logan and we've told her that when she sees a butterfly she knows that Logan is saying hey, so she thinks every butterfly is Logan's. That night she told her mom all about "Logan's butterfly" and later she told her dad "it was yellow and big".
While we were making dinner we were goofing around (she was probably asking me questions and asking "why" after everything I said but I really don't remember) when she says "you want another piece of me?" The funniest part is that she's talking about a literal piece. You know that game where you pretend like you eat a child's fingers, toes or maybe even their nose? Well, when she asked me the question, she's holding out her fingers for me to take a bite! And after every bite comes the question "you want another piece of me?"
And last, M. is potty training right now so of course someone has to go with her when she has to go. She usually asks me to if I'm around. So the other day I take her to the bathroom and she says "I NEED you to go!". Apparently, she doesn't like doing #2 with someone in the room!
M. started her first day at preschool today and T. started his first day at kindergarten. I'm hoping they are having tons of fun and I'm sure school will result in more stories for me to tell.
Original Post:
One of my best friends lives across the street and has three children. A 5-year-old boy T., an almost 3-year-old girl M., and a 9-month-old boy G. They can get on my ever-last nervers sometimes but those kids are some of my favorite people in the world. And last night they stayed with us while their parents went to school orientation (both preschool and kindergarten). Here's just a few moments and quotes from the two oldest.
When M. and I went outside to let Levi go potty we heard police sirens and she says to me "Nana that's a police offiter" She calls me Nana because she had a hard time with words that started with vowels when she first started talking and even though she can say Anna fine now, Nana just stuck. When I told her that she was right, that it was a police officer she said "Police offiters help you".
Later, when Doug got home, he had to edit some video for work. The police officers had been escorting the Dixie Youth World Series winners home to Troy so his video included the police cars and their sirens. As soon as she heard it her ears perked up. She went over and sat beside Doug and watched him work. Then she kept asking, "where are you Doug", Doug told her that he was shooting the video and was behind the camera. She didn't understand so he says "You know how when somebody takes a picture of you, the person with the camera isn't in the picture?". She nods her head and then turns to me and says "Doug Doug says I'm in the picture".
Later, I was filling Levi's water bowl when she asked what I was doing. I said "I'm getting water for the dog". "What dog?" she asked, so I pointed to Levi. Then she says, completely innocently like I have no idea "He's name is Levi".
T. has recently developed a pretty bad fear of storms and while he was at our house he asked me how my phone told me when there was going to be a tornado. Herein lies the problem with not knowing what I child has been told. When I told him my phone didn't tell me, that a radio did, he was adamant that his mom told him that it was my phone. So, I explained to him that it's not on my phone, that it's a radio, that I have at my house, in my car, and at my work. (This is kind of a little white lie because at work I just have a weather program that warns me about severe weather, but sometimes I find it easiest to just simplify things.) Then I took him to our bedroom where this radio sits. I played the alarm sound for him that goes off when there is a storm. Next I asked him if he thought I could hear it in every room, and M. says "I can hear it".
Here's another moment with T. and his fear of storms that happened a few weeks ago. I went over to their house and the wind was blowing pretty good and the garage door was open. T. was standing in the doorway between the house and the garage with tears running down his face. Then he says "why do God and Jesus make the wind?" I told him that there was wind and rain to keep all the plants alive. Then he says, "but plants need sun".
T. has really matured a lot lately and when Levi had an accident he was the first to tell me. Then he asked how to clean it up. So I handed him a paper towel, the nature's miracle (great stuff by the way) and he went to cleaning. Then after dinner he took his plate to the sink and also took M.'s. But he was still very upset when his mom got home because he didn't get to have a sleepover. In the Spring of 08 we invited him over one night and pitched a tent in the backyard and had a sleepover and ever since then, he wants to sleep at our house all the time.
Hope you enjoyed these little moments. If not, I guess you had to be there!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Strength in a Storm
Well, I've been slacking for a while in my goal of writing at least once weekly but I'm hoping to be able to commit the time again now. Just a few updates:
-You probably noticed the facelift. Let me know what you think. I personally think it looks WAY better than the green blogger template I had before but that doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement.
-We got a new puppy last Saturday. His name is Levi and he's a Yellow Labrador Retriever. He's only 6 weeks old and Doug and I are still getting used to having a baby in the house again. We did it before with Callie, but we ended up giving in and letting her sleep with us, if not in the bed, at least in our room where she could see us. We are determined not to let this one become dependent on sleeping with us because when he gets a little bigger he will be staying outside so we don't want him crying all night and keeping the whole neighborhood up. In the meantime, we are sacrificing a lot of our sleep.
-You probably noticed the facelift. Let me know what you think. I personally think it looks WAY better than the green blogger template I had before but that doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement.
-We got a new puppy last Saturday. His name is Levi and he's a Yellow Labrador Retriever. He's only 6 weeks old and Doug and I are still getting used to having a baby in the house again. We did it before with Callie, but we ended up giving in and letting her sleep with us, if not in the bed, at least in our room where she could see us. We are determined not to let this one become dependent on sleeping with us because when he gets a little bigger he will be staying outside so we don't want him crying all night and keeping the whole neighborhood up. In the meantime, we are sacrificing a lot of our sleep.
Now on to what I really want to talk about today.
On July 14 we donated about 10 of the bears to the hospital. We didn't want to give them too many at a time because their storage space is limited. We left the rest of the bears at my parents house so that if needed they could be taken to the hospital quickly. I never dreamed that I would need so many of those bears myself.
First, my best friend knew someone who was told her child would not live and we sent a bear to her. Then a friend of that woman lost her child and contacted us to see if she could get one for her friend.
Then, last week, tragedy again struck our own extended family. One of Doug's cousins and her husband lost their 2-year-old twins. Our thoughts and prayers have been focused on them and I felt the need to be there for them in any and all ways possible. We picked out two bears to give them and my mom brought them down so that we could take them with us to the funeral. I was completely prepared to comfort this family. I was not prepared however, for them to comfort me.
You see, one of the first things that each member of the family said to us was an apology. They told us over and over how sorry they were that we were having to go through this. Of course, the anniversary of losing Logan was just two weeks prior to their loss and hearing of it did bring back the pain of those first few days but I couldn't imagine how they could be worried about what we were going through while they were dealing with such a horrible tragedy.
Then I remembered myself, apologizing to my aunt, who had lost her own 11-year-old son many years ago. Before the funeral, I told her I was sorry because I knew it was probably hard on her and brought back so many bad memories. Now I know what she was going through.
It is hard to attend a funeral, especially the funeral of a child after losing a child of your own. It's hard because you do have memories of your own child's funeral and the pain you were feeling at the time. However, the memories aren't the hardest part. The hardest part is watching these people that you know and love, and understanding to the utmost degree how they are feeling. Understanding exactly what they are going through. Recognizing your actions in theirs. Knowing what is coming in the moments, hours, days, weeks, months and years ahead.
This particular family is very strong. They have already begun to look at the ways the death of their twins is glorifying God. And honestly, that's pretty amazing. We had time to prepare for the fact that Logan could die. For the 12 days I was in the hospital and the 17 days Logan was in the hospital we were faced with the very real possibility that Logan could die. And we recognized God in our situation and prayed that he would send us a miracle and allow Logan's life to glorify God. I can't speak for Doug, but I never once asked myself how Logan's death could glorify God. Not until after he had died. Not until I started reading other people's stories. Not until I got past the beginning stages of my grief journey. Not until I accused God of not saving my son.
But the truth is that He did save my son. He took Logan away from pain, sorrow, and even death and gave him eternal life. And though I have no tangible evidence to give you, I know Logan's birth and death glorified God. It made me dig deeper in my faith, made me see God in my every day, helped Doug and I bring God into our relationship more than ever before. And the fact that this couple, who just days ago lost their children so unexpectedly, without any warning, is already seeing God and his glory in their situation makes me feel humbled and ashamed. I wish I had been as strong in my faith one year ago as I am now. I wish I could have really seen God, and his presence in my life then, when I most needed it. But after all, I am only human and I sin. I am not perfect, and I never will be, but my goal in life is to work to continue to be more like Jesus every day. I WILL struggle, I WILL fall, but if I continue to get back up and try again, I know God will be in my life and will reunite me with my son once again.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Praying for Stellan
***UPDATE***
Stellan is home now! He never had to be airlifted to Boston and gets to wait at least a little while longer for his surgery.
***UPDATE***
Stellan is going to be airlifted to Boston to have another surgery. This is probably going to mean being dependant on a pacemaker for the rest of his life but as his mom said "If he ends up with a dead AV node and is pacemaker dependent for life, at least he'll have a life."
Last night Stellan was actually SVT free for an hour and a half which was a nice break for him and for his parents. Please continue to pray for Stellan and his family, for a safe trip, wisdom for the doctors, success in the surgery and for a quick recovery.
ORIGINAL POST:
I know not many people read this, but for those of you who do, please be on your knees in prayer for Stellan. Long story short, he was diagnosed with heart problems at 20 weeks gestation and they thought he would die in utero, but he was born alive and without any of the heart problems he had been encountering. Then at about 4 months old his heart problems reappeared. Since then, he has been in and out of the hospital and had surgery. He's in the hospital now and things aren't going so well.
After what we went through with Logan, it's hard to see another Mommy going through this. Stellan and his family need prayers for health, faith, wisdom, and comfort in the coming days. Hopefully I will be updating soon to say that Stellan is doing much better.
Stellan is home now! He never had to be airlifted to Boston and gets to wait at least a little while longer for his surgery.
***UPDATE***
Stellan is going to be airlifted to Boston to have another surgery. This is probably going to mean being dependant on a pacemaker for the rest of his life but as his mom said "If he ends up with a dead AV node and is pacemaker dependent for life, at least he'll have a life."
Last night Stellan was actually SVT free for an hour and a half which was a nice break for him and for his parents. Please continue to pray for Stellan and his family, for a safe trip, wisdom for the doctors, success in the surgery and for a quick recovery.
ORIGINAL POST:
I know not many people read this, but for those of you who do, please be on your knees in prayer for Stellan. Long story short, he was diagnosed with heart problems at 20 weeks gestation and they thought he would die in utero, but he was born alive and without any of the heart problems he had been encountering. Then at about 4 months old his heart problems reappeared. Since then, he has been in and out of the hospital and had surgery. He's in the hospital now and things aren't going so well.
After what we went through with Logan, it's hard to see another Mommy going through this. Stellan and his family need prayers for health, faith, wisdom, and comfort in the coming days. Hopefully I will be updating soon to say that Stellan is doing much better.
Monday, July 13, 2009
My Mission
One year ago today Doug's parents, Grandmother and Aunt came to see Logan. We had already been told that his kidneys were not functioning properly and he had started swelling up. When I went in to see him it was so heartbreaking I just cried.
Doug had to leave for work early the next morning so we had told the nurses that we would be back early to see Logan. Around 4:30am the NICU called us. They said that they wanted to prepare us because they had changed Logan's ventilator to a bigger one and his color was slightly gray because his oxygen saturation levels were low. Doug and I decided to go on to the hospital.
When we got there Doug noticed that his eyes were open and I think I knew right then that he was saying goodbye. We stood over him for a few minutes and then the nurse practitioner took us aside to explain what was going on. They told us that Logan wasn't getting enough oxygen and that they were making plans to possibly transfer him to another hospital that had a different kind of ventilator. They then showed us to a room where we could sit and talk. Doug decided not to go to work and I layed down because I was worn out. We called my parents and asked them to bring me some clothes (I was wearing my sweatpants) and the breast pump so that I would have them if we went to the other hospital.
Then the nurse practitioner came in. She told us that Logan was deteriorating quickly and that we needed to go in. She warned us that the nurses were performing chest compressions. It is all like a big fog to me really. I remember walking into the NICU and going over to Logan. Doug was standing behind me and I reached out to touch him. The nurses were talking and the machines were beeping but it was like I was underwater. I couldn't really hear anything. Until the nurses asked me if I wanted to hold him. I said yes and they got us two chairs. I sat down and they handed me my precious little boy. Doug and I were both crying and I didn't want to let Logan go but I handed him to Doug and Logan breathed his last.
The nurses told us we could go to the room and they would unhook Logan from all of the wires. They brought him to us all wrapped up and we sat holding him for quite sometime. It was a crazy morning and eventually we left with Logan to make the drive to Troy to the funeral home.
When I look back, the moments immediately prior to Logan's death were very peaceful. I knew he was going to heaven and that he would be okay. The hardest part for me was standing by Doug when he called his parents to tell them. I can remember his words and the look on his face like it happened 2 seconds ago. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment.
And then came the anger. I was mad at God, that he took my baby. I was mad at the chaplain, that he didn't come sooner. I was just plain mad. And I coped by planning: for the funeral, the cemetary, the stone.
I remember feeling like I should have said something. Like I should have yelled at the nurses to keep Logan alive or yelled at Logan to keep fighting. But I didn't say anything. Then at the funeral and the cemetary I wanted to rip open the coffin and just pull him out. I wanted to scream at everyone to leave me alone.
The past year has been hard. But we've made it and we're stronger for it. Yesterday at church we read the story of Amos who was called by God to deliver a message and then rejected by the people of Israel.
But that's not God's plan. This is the mission He has given me and I just have to do the best with what I've been given.
Doug had to leave for work early the next morning so we had told the nurses that we would be back early to see Logan. Around 4:30am the NICU called us. They said that they wanted to prepare us because they had changed Logan's ventilator to a bigger one and his color was slightly gray because his oxygen saturation levels were low. Doug and I decided to go on to the hospital.
When we got there Doug noticed that his eyes were open and I think I knew right then that he was saying goodbye. We stood over him for a few minutes and then the nurse practitioner took us aside to explain what was going on. They told us that Logan wasn't getting enough oxygen and that they were making plans to possibly transfer him to another hospital that had a different kind of ventilator. They then showed us to a room where we could sit and talk. Doug decided not to go to work and I layed down because I was worn out. We called my parents and asked them to bring me some clothes (I was wearing my sweatpants) and the breast pump so that I would have them if we went to the other hospital.
Then the nurse practitioner came in. She told us that Logan was deteriorating quickly and that we needed to go in. She warned us that the nurses were performing chest compressions. It is all like a big fog to me really. I remember walking into the NICU and going over to Logan. Doug was standing behind me and I reached out to touch him. The nurses were talking and the machines were beeping but it was like I was underwater. I couldn't really hear anything. Until the nurses asked me if I wanted to hold him. I said yes and they got us two chairs. I sat down and they handed me my precious little boy. Doug and I were both crying and I didn't want to let Logan go but I handed him to Doug and Logan breathed his last.
The nurses told us we could go to the room and they would unhook Logan from all of the wires. They brought him to us all wrapped up and we sat holding him for quite sometime. It was a crazy morning and eventually we left with Logan to make the drive to Troy to the funeral home.
When I look back, the moments immediately prior to Logan's death were very peaceful. I knew he was going to heaven and that he would be okay. The hardest part for me was standing by Doug when he called his parents to tell them. I can remember his words and the look on his face like it happened 2 seconds ago. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment.
And then came the anger. I was mad at God, that he took my baby. I was mad at the chaplain, that he didn't come sooner. I was just plain mad. And I coped by planning: for the funeral, the cemetary, the stone.
I remember feeling like I should have said something. Like I should have yelled at the nurses to keep Logan alive or yelled at Logan to keep fighting. But I didn't say anything. Then at the funeral and the cemetary I wanted to rip open the coffin and just pull him out. I wanted to scream at everyone to leave me alone.
The past year has been hard. But we've made it and we're stronger for it. Yesterday at church we read the story of Amos who was called by God to deliver a message and then rejected by the people of Israel.
12 Amos answered Amaziah, "I was no prophet, nor have I belonged to a company of prophets; I was a shepherd and a dresser of sycamores. 15 The LORD took me from following the flock, and said to me, Go, prophesy to my people Israel.The priest talked about realizing the mission God is giving us and that we have to be open to it, even if we don't think we want it. I cried all through his sermon. I felt myself thinking "I don't want this God". I don't want to be the woman whose baby died. I don't want to be the one to comfort other women because I've been in their shoes. I don't want to be making these bears to help other mothers of angels. Because I want my son here.
But that's not God's plan. This is the mission He has given me and I just have to do the best with what I've been given.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
God's Ways
While I do believe that God is always there for us, no one has convinced me yet that God is in everything we do. When I accidentally send an email to the wrong person, or fall and hit my head on a window sill (both things I've really done) I just don't believe that God is there, making that happen for some reason. But sometimes, He really does work in mysterious ways in our lives. Sometimes things happen that give you goose bumps and you know that He made it happen.
Yesterday, my boss walked into my office with another man. He asked me if the guy looked familiar. As I sat there looking at the guy I knew I recognized his face but I could not, for the life of me, figure out where I had met him. Then the guy says "I sat in front of you at SE200 training in Colorado". Immediately I knew who he was, Hank.
In May 2008, almost exactly one month before I was admitted to the hospital, I went to Colorado for some training on some new equipment we were getting at work. Hank was from Oklahoma and his company was getting the same equipment. What you have to know about all of this is that I went to Colorado the day of my 20 week ultrasound. I was showing those pictures off like a proud mama should.
When Hank walked into my office he looked at the pictures of Logan that I have hung on my walls and I thought to myself, oh boy, I'm going to have to explain all of this. I've explained the story many times before. Putting his pictures on my walls encourages people to ask and I normally enjoy telling them all about him, but with it being so close to the anniversary I knew it was going to be hard.
Hank told me that he moved to Alabama and is working for a company that may do business with us. He was basically here to do a sales pitch and so we went into a meeting room for that. After the business part was done, my boss left. And Hank, the guy from Oklahoma who I met in Colorado and is now living in Alabama, pulled me aside.
He asked me if the pictures were of my baby and I immediately said "Yes but he passed away". And then I got the shock of my life when Hank said "I heard that and I wanted to tell you that you are not alone". I asked how he had heard and he told me that he couldn't remember but that when he did hear about it his heart sank. "No one should have to do that" he said, before telling me that he and his wife had lost a son to a cord accident 10 years ago. Tears welled up in my eyes as he told me his story and let me tell him mine. He asked my son's name and told me his son's. He told me that if I wanted to talk I could call him, not to hesitate. I thanked him for sharing his story and sat down at my desk, amazed that such a coincidence could happen.
And then I realized that it was no coincidence. God put Hank in my life. He introduced us at a happy time and reunited us when I needed it most. Hank also told me that after their son, his wife had a miscarriage and then had fertility problems, which happen to be similar to mine. He told me that they went with Clomid for several months and then decided to give up. They already had a son before the stillbirth and thought that would be enough. And the very next month, they got pregnant with a little girl they named Anna.
God gave me HOPE yesterday through a guy named Hank.
Yesterday, my boss walked into my office with another man. He asked me if the guy looked familiar. As I sat there looking at the guy I knew I recognized his face but I could not, for the life of me, figure out where I had met him. Then the guy says "I sat in front of you at SE200 training in Colorado". Immediately I knew who he was, Hank.
In May 2008, almost exactly one month before I was admitted to the hospital, I went to Colorado for some training on some new equipment we were getting at work. Hank was from Oklahoma and his company was getting the same equipment. What you have to know about all of this is that I went to Colorado the day of my 20 week ultrasound. I was showing those pictures off like a proud mama should.
When Hank walked into my office he looked at the pictures of Logan that I have hung on my walls and I thought to myself, oh boy, I'm going to have to explain all of this. I've explained the story many times before. Putting his pictures on my walls encourages people to ask and I normally enjoy telling them all about him, but with it being so close to the anniversary I knew it was going to be hard.
Hank told me that he moved to Alabama and is working for a company that may do business with us. He was basically here to do a sales pitch and so we went into a meeting room for that. After the business part was done, my boss left. And Hank, the guy from Oklahoma who I met in Colorado and is now living in Alabama, pulled me aside.
He asked me if the pictures were of my baby and I immediately said "Yes but he passed away". And then I got the shock of my life when Hank said "I heard that and I wanted to tell you that you are not alone". I asked how he had heard and he told me that he couldn't remember but that when he did hear about it his heart sank. "No one should have to do that" he said, before telling me that he and his wife had lost a son to a cord accident 10 years ago. Tears welled up in my eyes as he told me his story and let me tell him mine. He asked my son's name and told me his son's. He told me that if I wanted to talk I could call him, not to hesitate. I thanked him for sharing his story and sat down at my desk, amazed that such a coincidence could happen.
And then I realized that it was no coincidence. God put Hank in my life. He introduced us at a happy time and reunited us when I needed it most. Hank also told me that after their son, his wife had a miscarriage and then had fertility problems, which happen to be similar to mine. He told me that they went with Clomid for several months and then decided to give up. They already had a son before the stillbirth and thought that would be enough. And the very next month, they got pregnant with a little girl they named Anna.
God gave me HOPE yesterday through a guy named Hank.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Father and Son
Most new dads hold their child for the first time just moments after the child is born. For Doug, it was 7 days after Logan's birth before he was able to hold his son. But he was just as happy, just as proud as any new daddy.
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From the beginning, Logan responded to Doug. Logan's heart rate would sometimes get too high or too low in the early days but when Doug would talk to him it would always level out. You could feel the love between them just watching them together. It's a love that's still there in our lives every day. Sometimes it's a painful love, but it's always there. Just as Logan is always with us.
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From the beginning, Logan responded to Doug. Logan's heart rate would sometimes get too high or too low in the early days but when Doug would talk to him it would always level out. You could feel the love between them just watching them together. It's a love that's still there in our lives every day. Sometimes it's a painful love, but it's always there. Just as Logan is always with us.
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